my pumps, air flow, hormones and thoughts of suicide ...... it is a constant battle

so for the first time since 2012 i started to wear my pumps in the house , Spanish heels, and something happened i never realized so long ago . because of my flat feet or whatever the pumps make me stand up straight , my back esp, and the result is i have more air flow, like yoga, which means i can feel the cool air going through my nasal cavity. this in turn pumps up the volume on the progesterone , estrone? and this could explain the feeling of feeling high on hormones ....

the problem is i am aware all the time this thing is between my legs ...... i am in so much pain whereas before i was just had a high feeling. i know the why now and it is scary to know this is the pain i felt 40 plus yrs ago. 

so yrs ago the combo of my father teaching me to sit up straight , breathing techniques of a boxer , the natural food maxed out  the estrogen in my body , if not what was it then?  i feel the same as i was in my teens and even in the marines. ( my gunny told me that the chow hall food was bad for me and when i went to the field on exercises... my eyes were cleared up in days.( had major dry eye caused by unbalanced hormoens(... but Rachel came out and my mannerisms were but feminine and how i moved my hips and other marines saw this ... not good ......

but the pumps validate me as being sexy so there is many things they do but the air flow is critical ...... when depressed one breaths diff and through the chest ...... panic attacks and stress do this.... what might have put this all in play is instead of playing the violin i had to play a wind instrument , the trombone, this probably was huge in a time when i needed what god ordered for me

so today , the pumps, the singing, the make up and dress , people around me and all the other things i have shared enabled me to go back and pick up the pieces and learn why. i have not felt this much pain in yrs and joy ..... i am in deep trouble and i have no idea what to do ... i am terrified of surgery esp watching a tv show last night when a woman had a tummy tuck and there is a side affect of all plastic surgery ..... flesh eating bacteria/virus...... wow that hit home too...... the end result because of the lack of access to follow up care was two huge holes in her stomach... so much can go wrong .... i do not want the surgery but i need it medically...... the risk is so high but i have no choice to but to walk through the door......

to say that i cannot be the girl on special victims unit .... trans girl cut her wrist ....... that could be me ..... make no doubt it is suicide .... it has to be on the table so i can min the chances of it .. but the longer i am on hormones wo surgery the close i am to suicide ..... the pain is so deep and like i told ..... i am one of the few that will tell you i am going through thoughts of suicide.....

the lies bury too many and i think that is why i am so outspoken too... nearly did me in too many times

i have fought this same battle as a teen but now i have to figure out how to get the surgery.... the pain is real and deep in my own apt now.... god help me

interview with state agency and thoughts of sucide followed

i am in tears.... went through suicide thoughts ..... then i saw a young girl at the unemployment , where i was interviewed for internship,  and thought i never will be able to be and experience  what she is at 20's ... then this the interview

the female interviewer  ask me if i was transgender at xerox, did they know about you in the marines?  you know we have trans people that come in here and some people move away from them and so do not......i told her i heard and your name is rachel"? so i can handle it and she said " they heard the male voice.
 

to side me and my qualifications she used the fact that i cannot stand for 4 straight hours vs accommodating mr

it was the worse interview and over 80 percent was about my gender... then the rest was covering up .... she ended the interview and when i was in the waiting room came back to me then gave me a tour ..... etc

what it is really like on the front lines ...... file a complaint? hell i would be filing complaints all day long...... you cannot compel people to be compassionate and caring..... this was a horrible day