my gender; my blessing , curse and caffeine

Note: estrogen= estradiol

          RA= rheumatoid arthritis

          Spriolatane/sprio= testosterone blocker

I have come to the conclusion after 14 months of hormone replacement therapy that my gender is the blessing of my life.  How could that be Rachel?  Many would say being a transsexual woman is a curse?  Until recently I would have agreed with anyone who would have made that statement.  I have never spoken of my true pain until now and it has nothing to do with my gender.  I can say now without any reservation that without  my gender identity challenge that my rheumatoid arthritis would have crippled me for the rest of my natural life.

In 1997 I was diagnosed with RA(rheumatoid arthritis) which attacked my fingers, wrist, elbows, knees and ankles to the point I could not walk without the assistance with crutches. To quote my doctor, “ … out of ten patients… nine were better than you.”  Again, kinda like HRT(hormone replacement therapy), I took a leap of faith and went on an experimental study drug which today is called Enbrel.  It is an animal protein that is used to reverse the affects of RA.  It took nine long months before my body even began to respond to the new experimental drug.  But two years later I was walking and moving about much better than I was in 1997.  The problem was I still tipped the scales at 300-347lbs.

Fast forward to 2011, I started HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and I weighed in at 292lbs on August 4, 2011.  Within six shorts months I had lost 100 lbs. Today I weigh 170lbs and my goal is 150-160 lbs.  My curse of my gender was the blessing of RA.

From what I researched estradiol is known to increase your bone strength and Spriolatane is known to reduce the swelling of arthritis. (fyi: both sprio and estradiol have dangerous side effects and should not be taken for RA; please consult a physician before taking either drug) .  I doubt many in this country have GID(gender identity disorder)  and RA as dual health conditions.

  Thus, my unique experience may be exactly that unique because of taking estradiol with enbrel. ( enbrel has been tested on patients with dementia in elderly patients). Also estradiol is given to stroke victims to recover their memory.  The two medications are very potent and are monitored very carefully for anything from cancer, heart attacks, stroke, TB and many other side affects.  So, one could say I am living breathing experiment that has had great success but the long term prognosis is truly unknown. 

I keep a smile on my face but privately the pain of my RA can consume me at times.  How bad is the pain?  When I am stretching in the mornings before my six mile run I stop stretching because I cannot take the pain any longer and I begin to cry.  My ace, as my grandma would say, is my gender and taking estradiol (estrogen) has enabled my mind to over ride the pain of arthritis.  Perhaps among all the Gender issue the real story is estrogen has over powered the arthritis with it’s shear will to control my mind thus the actions of my body.  How is the estrogen able to override the pain of RA ? I have no idea but to say that when I am crying and the pain is so bad that within a few minutes I am back to working out.  I have never failed to complete a run of six miles after crying doing the strength because of the incredible pain of RA.

This all seems great but with all the abilities of the enbrel to fight my RA and the estrogen to fight off the pain in my mind I can say with out one reservation that it is not enough.  The third component is something I would never have thought of as a weapon to fight RA, Caffeine.  That is right in my Coke Zero is enough caffeine to counter the effects of arthritis with enbrel, estrogen and sprio.  There is a major problem with mixing spriolatane and caffeine and it is increased anxiety. 

So with it is a constant balancing act between my estrogen, sprio and caffeine and how to balance all three drugs.  Finally after months of research and trial and error I have come up with the best solution. My rationale is based on the research that concluded that caffeine will reduce my estrogen levels and that is very bad for me.  High doses of caffeine are considered 12 oz of coke per day.  However caffeine is known to help

Arthritis.  Note: tried zero caffeine and the arthritis pain was so severe that I felt nearly no effects of the estradiol . 

Thus, I am now drinking one glass of coke per day with plenty of water doing the day and this seems to keep my arthritis in check and still allows for the max effects of estrogen with little increased anxiety.  But the one liter of coke cola I use to drink pushes my anxiety levels too high and I have learned moderation of caffeine consumption.  This was a difficult lesson.   

 

speech vs conversation

I flying out tomorrow for a speech but I have come to realize that what is needed is not a speech but a conversation.  My goal is to open the door for further conversations not speeches.  In my mind I am the most privilegedwoman to be part of a large project to develop dialogue between clinical providers and the transgendered community. 

There are literally hundreds who have helped me in my journey.  I feel morally and ethically obligated to share my journey as a woman because so many have helped me.  Now, it is my turn to do my part and have open honest conversations with the people that can help the transgendered community the most ; the clinincal providers.

As zig ziglar says, " if you think you can or can't you are probably right."  I honestly think I can make a profound difference with the help of so many men and women in the VA. Who knew a woman like me was this strong?

thank you again,

Rachel

rachel new job and sexual reassignment surgery

I have to get back on top of things and start blogging again.  I have a new job which plays to my strengths and has given me the biggest challenge of my life in the employment area.  I have taken my first job as a woman in an area few, if any other transsexual women, would even dare to take on in a life time.  But, if you know me as others do I live by the principal it is all or nothing. 
After three weeks I am producing sales like I had in the past and the future looks extremely bright.  The added benefit is that my new company’s health insurance has coverage for sexual reassignment. Thus, I want to stay with this company for that reason and the people I work with are so supportive and have welcomed with open arms.
 In fact the women at work, as in my other areas of life, have reached out to me with great warmth and understanding.  I have had conversations with my fellow employees, men and women, about my estrogen treatment and one woman has shared her intimate thoughts of her sexuality and experiences in her life.  By sharing I have learned more about her and myself and have found this so true of many conversations I have had in the past year.
One woman suggested that I needed to develop “thicker skin” because I am hurt so easily.  I thought about that and agreed at the time but now believe that if I did that it would fundamentally change who I am.  I am a very sensitive, loving and a caring woman and would not change anything about me.   I think one of my greatest strength’s is my sensitivity and the ability to open up to people draws others in and I would never change that.

In fact, let me take you to the first weekend of work and give you a snap shot of how my worst fears of discrimination were confirmed in a phone conversation by a customer.  I answered the phone and I said our company name and said this is Rachel how can I help you.  She said , Rachel? I said yes this is Rachel how can I help you?  The female customer said to me , “ I guess your mom wanted a boy?” I did not respond and continued the conversation. The problem was when I hung the phone up.
I thought in the moment that I could deal with the comment. Again, I was so wrong.  I threw my headset down ran from my cubicle and started to cry as I ran to the bathroom.  I cried and cried and thought how could someone be so cruel and mean to me and I am so nice.  The pain cut me so deep and I realized what I thought I could handle I could not in that moment.  ( honestly 50 percent of the calls start with Rachel? I have learned to address this and respond by saying yes this is Rachel and your name is ?)
I came back to my cubicle where a female coworker who was training me was sitting.  I told her exactly what happened on the phone.  She listened and then shared how because of her nationality others have said on the phone you sound like you are …. We shared other private moments of our lives and it helped me work through this horrible experience. Next, I knew the best thing was to take another call and that is what I did and I made two sales that day.  I simply don’t quit but actually I came really close to quitting the job the first week twice but my coworkers and the blonde helped me to work through the several issues. 
But with all my training in years of sales, 2 1/2 hrs of DBT, college education, marine training and raising a teenage daugher and, perhaps most importantly, my friend nathalie by my side  I literally hang on by a thread some days on HRT.  My experience on hormones has challenged and pushed me to the edge only for me to become stronger and stronger but physically and emotionally it takes everything out of me some days.  To the point I am so exhausted I have to sleep to restore my strength and the next day I am so much stronger.
 HRT should not be undertaken lightly because it will test you like you never have tested in your life and if you think you can do it by yourself you will be wrong.  The consequences on HRT could be dire if you are not prepared for the experience and do not have an unshakable support system.  My support system and a positive attitude and my willingness to open up and trust others to help me is what I believe stacks the cards in my favor to succeed.